Powerband

Ω As a talent-constrained, one-dimensional journeyman myself, I have a lot of time for the Hammer. I know how hard it is to get out of bed every morning, knowing deep in my gut that another day of mediocre performance awaits. Maybe I’ll climb V7 today. Maybe not, if it’s actually V7.

Life must be very different for Derek Thatcher, Zac Orme and James Morris. House mates, training mates (get this, the wall in their garage is known as the Gnome Dome. Brilliant!) and crushers of Flock Hill rock. Every day (but mostly on the weekends), they must wake up and think “what amazing proud outrageous line am I going to climb at Flock Hill today?” And, in recent times, the various answers to that question have been (in no particular order):

Naphtha V7XXXXRRR

I know that Zac’s Mum follows Powerband. So listen up Kay – your son is off the chain. Check out this deranged new problem. I guess technically the fully rigged up spotter arrangement is optional, as you wouldn’t want to fall off anyway.

Nerve Ending V8?XRRRRRRR

As far as I know, this problem has seen very few (if any) repeats, after it was established by a visiting Buddhist monk. I have no idea what the grade is. But it looks like it starts with a tricky slab mantle, followed by a highball slab. One imagines that a fall from the top would be fine, but I’m not lining up to test that theory. Nice job, Derek.

Sassy Direct V11R

It took James five years to climb Captain Sassy Pants V8, and 5 minutes to climb the direct. Go figure.

Plainly there’s a lot of excessive performance here. Way too much ‘Hey look, I’ve just climbed something rad’. What does ‘rad’ actually mean? And frankly, the focus on hard, proud ascents is unhealthy. The corrosive ‘star’ culture amongst the Flock Hill bouldering elite must stop, and the best thing for everyone (but especially journeyman like me) is to ban this lot from Flock Hill permanently, and relocate them all to Auckland (where they can fight over the last remaining pure eliminates at the crag we’re not allowed to mention let alone climb at). And they can take the bloody Gnome Dome with them!

In other Flock news, Buff Dan buffed his way up the neo-classic Monster Society Of Evil. Proof that good guys do win. Ω