2009 July

The Chewing Tobacco Defence

Ω I was going to write a witty entry discussing the way Wookies hide behind mountains of fur in order to never truly reveal their naked selves. Then I was going to segue into some jarbled nonsense about climbing (yes ‘jarbled’ is a word, if it’s not in your dictionary it is because your dictionary is faulty and you should burn it immediately). Unfortunately JP has stolen my intended title and thus thwarted my entire enterprise. Luckily, I’ve come up with an alternative approach. I decided its time to reveal the biggest secret of elite bouldering in New Zealand.

I’ve been noticing for a while that all my bouldering compadres have brown stained teeth and stinky breath. When I quiz them about this, they say that they chew tobacco. While this seems like a simple and innocent explanation, the lack of chewing, the lack of actual tobacco and the lack of osophogeal cancer eventually led me to doubt their stories. In an epiphanical avalanche of clinically sharp comprehension I realised the answer wasn’t chewing tobacco, it was coffee. Everyone knows that coffee is cheating, yet it seems people have been slurping it down in highly concentrated amounts! Scandalous.

On Saturday I was slightly less psyched than the others at Flock Hill, but I was also the only one not using metabolism-boosting-cheat-juice, so my ascents were the only ones that counted. Fortunately for the others my ascents were far from impressive while theirs were very close to, if not overlapping with, impressive. For instance, JP warmed up with an ascent of She-Male V8, before finding success on Monster Society of Evil V9 and on the toilet (Los Baños V7). Nice work.

My success was limited to Disconnect, an innocuous V7 traverse that many people campus. Having polystyrene prosthetics for fingers, campusing isn’t really an option. I have never been able to make any progress on the crux of this problem. However, approximately one attempt after finding an alternative crux hold in the form of a gaston I was able to use my right shoulder (adamantium rather than polystyrene) and the problem became a non-event. Much more impressively, Harold ‘H’ Hadler made a quick ascent of the extended version of this same problem. Does anyone else think he is Dave Graham in disguise?

Peter Allison also sent, gaining an ascent of General Mayhem V10 in classic vibrator style. This shortly after trying to flash She-Male as a warm-up and earn himself $40. I’m not sure if this was JP and DT trying to re-injure the Peter by making bets with him about pulling really hard as a warm-up? That’s not cool guys. Everyone knows Allison is like a puppy on P, throw a ball and he’s going to chase it. That’s why he’s spent 17/18ths of his climbing career a crippled mess. He did it third go.

An early departure to return JP to the airport left the others trying Acapulco, before cheerleading Pete on NZ’s hardest problem, the beautifically-titled Middle Trifecta.

Sunday arrived and with global coffee shortages peaking and JP off battling Seamonsters, Flock Hill’s population density was somewhat reduced. I was there though, propping up pads and distributing chalk amongst the boulders in an egalitarian fashion. The warm weather meant a significant decrease in snow quantities and the boulders look set to finally return to normal winter condition. While there was a lack of sendage on Sunday, progress was made on a number of problems, with Pete having several very close attempts on Middle Trifecta. While James took pretty photos of clouds and ZacAtak™ looked for coffee dispensing machines I managed not one but three classic patented Gomez ’snatch defeat from the claws of victory’ moments on the left Trifecta. Dan put in an outstanding amount of spotting effort, but when it came his time to shine on General Mayhem his coffee had clearly worn off.

Chewing tobacco…it doesn’t make sense. Ω

What is the Chewbacca Defence?

Ω Apparently (so I discovered on the weekend), the Chewbacca Defence is the dying art of obfuscation, the ability to say lots about nothing at all, the practice of running interference when you have nothing to report or something to hide. And, on reflection, it was (more or less) the editorial policy of 41174.org.nz, at least for the last year or so of its life, because we (Kopp and I) had no real news to report.

Well, now I do have something to report. On Sunday I climbed an “all world” boulder problem at Turakirae Head. As far as I know, it was a first ascent. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the best boulder problem at Turakirae Head, and in Wellington it is rivalled only by Seaward Arete V0 and Big Black V5 for quality and grandeur. As far as you’re concerned, it’s on the Rubicon Wall, it’s somewhere between 5-7 metres high, it starts with a deep lock to a pocket, it then opens up with a series of big moves between opposing slopers as you climb a gently overhanging shield of grewacke, it culminates with a wild slap for the sloping lip off a small left hand sidepull and a right hand undercling, it’s called Seamonsters and it’s probably about V7.

Check back next year. I’m bound to have unearthed another decent “pebble” in Wellington by then. In the meantime, keep “wrestling” Ω

Caught on tape!

Ω Peter Allison has been called many unsavoury things. He’s also been caught doing many unsavoury things. For a list, you’ll need to book a trip to the Twizel Public Toilet, and look on the wall just above the cistern.

Of all the things not to be caught doing, however, Peter ranks trad climbing up there, right after Mum walking in on you crashing the yoghurt truck.

That’s why you’ll be as shocked as we were to see this video of him trying the Cobra Crack (5.14a) in Squamish, on his way to a month of bouldering in Hueco Tanks. Don’t be fooled by the fake name and accent - it’s 100% most certainly Pete Ω

The Cobra Crack 5.14, Will Stanhope from Sonnie Trotter on Vimeo.

The Coriolis Effect

Ω On Saturday a bunch of people went climbing somewhere. I went to work. On to Sunday.

The snowiest winter season in recent memory continues, with boulderers beginning to wonder why they aren’t skiers. Thick snow with a solid crust of ice still coats the landscape, but what else are we going to do, go to the Cave? On Sunday beautiful blue skies threatened to turn the snowy vista into a damp soggy mess, fortunately the temperatures stayed relatively low so the snow stayed white and the pads stayed dry. Those boulder problems without snow or ice on them were in good condition as the relative humidity got as low as 35%. This equated to sending conditions for those dedicated enough to be present.

Who were those dedicated few? Three young guns in the form of Pete ‘I hitched up and bivvied at Mt Cook on the way’ The Radness, James ‘The Coriolis Effect’ Morris and Zac’I've got a yellow shovel’Atak™. They were guided by the experienced Derek ‘I’ve climbed everything it’s possible to climb so I’m just going to take photos’ Thatcher, along for the ride was Gomez ‘I like adding descriptions of people in the middle of their names while introducing them usually generated with content from the day’s experiences but possibly adding too much information in these descriptions and thus distracting the reader from the matters at hand and appearing long-winded and off-topic and we all know how naughty it is to get off topic everything we’ve said might get deleted’ Garcia Gonzalez.

Foregoing Flock Hill after a day spent trudging through snow on Saturday, the team (back at full strength and ready to defend the Bledisloe) turned their attention to Wuthering Heights. Spittle Hill sat remarkably snow free so this area was considered suitable for warming up, despite the polish and propensity for silly problems. While the others mucked around Gomez got straight to work as he’d decided that day was the day for his once-yearly Spittle Hill problem ascent. This was somewhat of an outlandish approach, but after remembering that there were still soft unsent problems around like Sloper Madness it didn’t seem such a big task. After some hip stretching and some whining about spoogey hands the problem was done with and everybody could move on and up to Wuthering. People all wondered how a straightforward mantle everr got called V8, but Gomez pointed out it was more of a slopey rockover than a mantle.

Wuthering offerred plenty of snow despite the promises from ZacAtak™ that it would be snowfree. It also offerred an escalating breeze which temporarily provided excellent conditions before getting over-psyched and providing ridiculously annoying and cold conditions. Walking up the hill was a bit tiring, so the team stopped at the first available boulders. James discovered the repeatless Deadly Viper Assasination Squad in good condition and started working the problem. Meanwhile Pete and ZacAtak™ made short work of Johnny Mo V8. Derek sat around looking bored but then did a new eliminate dyno from the start of Johnny Mo but going right rather than left (kind of). It looks contacty and has one of those classic Derek ‘kick my foot on as I catch the hold so I don’t have to dead-hang it and hold the swing’ kind of moves. As of yet, nobody has named or graded this problem for Derek.

Meanwhile, Gomez had eaten his lunch and, wondering what to do next, thought he’d steal James’s pads for a moment and try the Wuthering classic The Thin White Line. The windy conditions meant that his fingers could actually stick to holds, so he sent this problem after a bit of work. Pete and ZacAtak™ also jumped on the bandwagon. Just as people looked edgy and felt like moving on James dropped the clutch and busted out the second ascent of Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Nice effort James!

Oren Ishi’i was the next problem to receive attention, but as the wind got windier and the cold got colder the psych dried up and the plug was pulled. Of course, our hardy adventurers still needed to descend from Wuthering Heights (they say more people die on the descent). Luckily they had boulder pads and there was lots of snow…

Mat sliding champion - ZacAtak™ and his bulls-eye pad. Ω

Banned

Ω Further to Jim Bob’s suggestion, I hereby ban myself from my own website for disagreeing with myself. Any attempts by me to avoid that ban will result in further bannings. Ω

Bouldering vs. Mountaineering

Ω It’s a little known fact that bouldering is more hardcore than mountaineering. This is evidenced in the following ways:

1. To train for superhuman feats on Pakistani peaks, tough-looking men like Bruise Dowrick go to Flock Hill (and mini-crags like the Upper Right Tier of Mt. Pleasant, which is bouldering on a rope).

2. The most hated, unpopular and belligerent characters on mountaineering internet forums are actually boulderers, not mountaineers. What they are doing there I’m not sure, but it may have something to do with waiting for skin to grow.

3. Mountaineering involves going without food and water for a short period while attempting to summit, mainly because the mountaineers are too wussy to carry enough with them. Bouldering involves systematically starving yourself until you are skinny enough to be an extra in Schindler’s List, as this is the only path to success.

4. Mountaineering involves a small but calculated risk of loss of fingers through frostbite. The very act of bouldering involves scraping your fingertips across blank bits of rock in an attempt to remove as much skin as possible. It also involves deliberate attempts to rupture finger pulleys through remorseless crimping.

5. These days, many mountaineers carry B.A.S.E. rigs or paraponts to lazily drift their way down from the summit. In bouldering you often simply jump down from the top of the boulder, in a way that no parachute device can assist with. How scary is that? Jumping with no parachute!

6. Mountaineers take any number of ridiculous goosedown garnering garments to keep them warm, but in actual fact, they spend most of their time walking and generating body heat, so their insulatory investiture is entirely indulgent. Boulderers however, spend most of their time sitting around, and yet the vast majority carry with them only minimal cladding. This, in combination with point 3 above, is pretty hardcore.

In fact, I was the only person at Flock Hill on Saturday with two down jackets. I was informed, part way through the day, that I was in fact a mountaineer. This was somewhat of an epiphany for me, as it explained my systematic failures at bouldering (however, it failed to explain my systematic failure at mountaineering). Perhaps due to their unladen single-down-jacket states, all the boulderers present seemed to be doing rather well, despite the snowy conditions previously described.

The conditons meant that there weren’t a lot of problems on offer. But both Kester and JP gained ascents of Derek’s new sidepull problem which people are calling xxx xxxxxxx, but I refuse to call it that because its not a real name. JP should have flashed it but he forgot his spectacles and failed to see the victory jug (alzheimers I suspect). He cruised it second go.

The send of the day was Derek’s dispatch of the Psychosis project, which is the high line on the boulder to the right of Purple Haze. This problem looks hard and a little scary given the ‘landing boulder’ beneath it (and the dusty nature of the uncleaned slab at the top). Attempting this boulder problem promises a 54% greater risk of serious injury or death than summiting Ruapehu. We were all impressed by this ascent and JP has already graded it for Derek, much as James has already named it (thereby cleverly overcoming Derek’s recent reticence in naming and grading his first ascents). Nice job guys.

Late in the day, as the blizzard encroached, James, ZacAtak™ and JP all made good progress on Acapulco (though not good enough to get to the snow on the final hold). All up, it was an impressive and committed day at the boulders. Mountaineering news from the same day? Zilch. Ω

Eskimos and Inuits

Ω One is a little gelatinous treat for those who think ‘PC’ stands for personal computer; the other is a snow-dweller.

At Flock Hill on Friday, three people (none were Inuit) went bouldering in the snow. [Editorial note: Do you see what I did there? I started with a sentence about Eskimos, and next thing you know I’m talking about bouldering at Flock Hill]

Speaking of bouldering, there wasn’t a great deal of choice at Flock Hill, on account of the 20 metres of bone dry powder that had fallen earlier in the week and not melted [Editorial note: please don’t mistake the massive exaggeration about snow fall in that sentence as a statement in earnest. And while I’m on the subject, Tauranga is not actually 9000kms from the nearest bouldering].

Back to the story, a few things were dry enough to try. Like Trifecta Middle V13? and Acapulco V10? [Editorial note: the question marks arise from the fact that I don’t know what the true grade of each of those problems is, so I’ve made a guess. Actual results may vary depending on how dry your skin is].

Moving on, still basking in the glow of his exposé in The Climber, Pete Allison made rad progress on Trifecta Middle, notwithstanding the snow issue. [Editorial note: I predict that Pete will re-Pete this problem. You heard it here first!]

Meanwhile, earlier in the day, James and I made good progress on Acapulco and odds are that by time you’ve worked your way through the editorial notes in this post, James will have sent. I’m hoping to also send, sometime before my 50th birthday [Editorial note: nothing to add here].

Lastly, I tried A Saucerful of Secrets V10 in the dark, and got close to sticking this ultra-mega-morpho dyno. It’s like Rocketpants for men. But I’m just a boy. So I didn’t do it. [Editorial note: I don’t think Rocketpants can possibly be a compound word. Zac, can you help me out here?]

Finally, as the sun set, the hoar frost settled and James gobbled down the last Eskimo, I thought to myself “how did the Inuits ever top out on their boulder problems?”. I’m off to search mountainz.co.nz for an answer. Ω

Mr Universe

Ω As climbing superstar Zac Orme swept into Wellington, the local journeymen turned out in droves to see what the little fella had to offer. Actually, I was the only journeyman there - Kopp was in bed. In any event, it rained and everything was wet.

Still, while killing time in the Bronx Cave waiting for the rain to ease, he managed to link through the *new* start to Mr Olympia V10 (the old start having been demolished by The Other Zac (aka Bob)) and would probably have claimed the first reascent of this horizontal test piece if it hadn’t been for the…er…rain and water and wetness and all the H2O everywhere. So he left empty handed, which suited The Other Zac nicely, because he too did all the moves on the *new* start and now looks set to claim his first double digit tick. Watch this space. Ω

Cheeky

Ω I’ve often been heard to say that the only thing cheekier than Kristen Foley would be two Kristen Foleys. And now there are two. Strictly speaking, the little fella is (a) at least 50% Anja and (b) as yet unnamed. But I’m picking Kristen Foley II. Warmest congratulations to the man who put the grrrr into New Zealand bouldering. Ω