Sunday dawned with an enlarged posse for a three-car attack on Flock Hill. Matt and Rach (no she didn’t climb, have you SEEN her finger?) brought out Rowan and Mark Pugh-Williams (who will henceforth be referred to as ‘Pug’ to avoid any immature toilet humour) who are two of the older geckos (do older flying geckos become Tuataras?). Pug and Jamie Vinton-Boot both climbed Porky, causing it to be downgraded to V7 and V6 respectively. Finally, to the utter embarrassment of Kester Brown (who was off being poncey) I climbed it, causing a further downgrade to V5 (did I mention ZacAtak™ flashed it AND the topout was wet?). Shortly after this something actually happened, with Derek making the first ascent of a project up the hill a bit, via some cool slopers, a single upside-down pocket and some body contortions.

ZacAtak™ continued his quota bagging with an ascent of the sideways daze problem Right of Validation. He had some goes on Liquidous Line, his gentle slab/groove which only looks like a fearsome highball project (Kay, we know you are reading), but needs a bit more work on this one. At this point I did some further research into CSS, and expanded my theorising on the three most commonly experienced forms of spooge (hot spooge, cold spooge and I’m watching a scary climbing movie spooge[also known to civilians as 'job interview spooge']) Later on, James and Derek tried to repeat Derek’s old problem Non-sequitur but neither had any success and this problem may be upgraded again (it was originally V8, now it looks more like 10).  Meanwhile Pug showed he has the requisite physical attributes by battling his way up Hipster at the end of the day. ZacAtak™ also climbed this problem and James pulled his quota out of the bag with a last gasp second ascent of the low-start to this problem (grade unknown, but it’s probably harder than V5 I reckon). Then it got dark.Ω

Hueco Tanks 2010 Kiwi Tour from derek thatcher on Vimeo.

Meanwhile, Rach the Muss gained an elegant ascent of Mullet Arete, keeping her spotters interested the whole way. See the video below.

In the first ascent category, Derek wandered around trying to find a trench to wedge himself into, but eventually found a new squeeze. He made juice out of the slopey arete left of Rastamonkey (on the Leopard boulder). Name unknown. Go try it and give it a name yourself, that’s what Stoo would do (or me for that matter, though I wouldn’t even have to climb it…) Ω

Mullet Arete, Flock Hill from derek thatcher on Vimeo.

This season I got my ‘amnesia day’ out of the way reasonably early, barely waiting until the end of December before heading out with a forecast promising a high of 18 degrees and some decent cloud cover. Of course, forecasting being what it is in this country, Castle Hill was baking in 24 degrees and bright sunlight. To make matters worse, I went to Quantum Field. To make matters doubly worse, I went with ZacAtak™ and Christina who, despite being thrilling company seemed to be under the illusion that the conditions weren’t so abominable that we should immediately hightail it to the nearest swimming hole. Not only did they climb, they had poor enough manners to climb well.

ZacAtak™ bagged two V8s, the sublime Pythagoras and the ridiculous Trojan, not to mention a repeat of Anthrax to show Christina the beta. The impetuousness of youth! Christina’s manners were slightly better, despite hiking the bottom of Anthrax she jumped off without the send mumbling some kind of excuse, but we all knew she just didn’t want to make me look bad. Next time she is out she’ll be sure to bag the FFA (fourth female ascent) of this 100 ft problem. When wee moved into the shade she did make the FFFAWBP (first free female ascent with blue pants) of my POJO problem (work it out for yourself, hint: it’s by Fidel Castro). ZacAtak™ made the FFFFADA (First Free Female-Free and Drealocked Ascent) of this problem. He then tried to figure out how to crack climb but quickly gave it up as an anachronistic waste of time.

Momentous happenings were then afoot, as the three of us then made the FTPRAWDABP (first three person repeat ascent with dreadlocks and blue pants) of the Derek Thatcher/Stefan Hadfield/Kim Cousins masterpiece Threesome. This problem requires three people to climb it and is a stern test of group dynamics. The recipe for success demands a tall person, a light person and a strong person of indeterminate length. Three three of us fit the bill perfectly (can you guess who was who?). We tested the possibility of success by my hanging off ZacAtak™’s foot for a little bit while he dangled from some holds. Then we got stuck in. After a misfire where Christina tried to sit on ZacAtak™’s head while he was hanging from the bottom hueco and we all fell over laughing, victory was soon ours. The beta is simple: tall person boosts strong person to bottom hueco and then light person is boosted/climbs up the dangling strong person through other huecos and to top, strong person then climbs up to stand in bottom hueco with one foot dangling as low as possible while holding top of boulder, light person lies on top of boulder and holds on to wrists of strong person to give extra resistance to the massive weight of tall person, this is required because tall person then jumps to catch dangling foot of strong person and then campuses to bottom hueco, strong person scrambles out of the way and while tall person flails around on huecos strong person and light person haul tall person to the top of the boulder much like landing a whale, fists are then tagged all around on top of the boulder.

I felt privileged to be part of this ascent, not just because it was a rare opportunity but also because I got to touch ZacAtak™’s foot, and my doctor says I didn’t even catch anything (it’s unclear if the participants in the first ascent party all remained disease-free post-ascent)!Ω

You know you want to be like him.

ΩOur motivation survey is now closed. I have analysed the results using a secret NASA supercomputer and can offer the following conclusions.

Of the 50 responses, 68% of people had the primary motivation of improving their 8a scorecard. You might think ‘Hey wait a minute… that wasn’t even an option!’ but you have in fact been cleverly outmanoeuvred by yours truly. You see, despite anonymity it was apparent people would still lie and select another option rather than admit the horrible petty truth, that they are slaves to Jens Larsen and his number-crunching. To get around this, we did some ‘in-depth psychological profiling’ of a number of ‘volunteer’ climbers (this was made possible by the lovely people at Guantanamo Bay Military Prison) to find what alternative categories they would pick to replicate the 8a tick if it weren’t present. So, if you voted for ‘climbing as hard as possible’ (14 of you did) you admitted that all you really care about is numbers, big numbers. How else is hard climbing defined?

Another 13 selected ‘having fun with your mates on the rock’ which was the obvious ‘red herring’ option. Nobody is actually motivated in this way, we all know that climbers don’t have ‘mates’ or even friends. Climbers just have other climbers that they go climbing with, these people aren’t friends, they are enemies that need to be burned off and defeated on 8a. As the saying goes: keep your friends close, but because you have none, keep your enemies close and pretend they are friends. What better way to beat someone on 8a than by sabotaging their climbing from close range? People use all sorts of tricks for this; spooging up holds, anti-beta, mixing chalk with lubricant, bad shoe recommendations, telling stories about someone falling off the top and breaking their leg, stealing their lunch, tipping out all their water (this doesn’t work on JP),  telling people that unclimbed blank faces are Derek’s new V10, etc, etc.  This obviously false option was included due to the psychologically proven fact that, when given a list of options that doesn’t actually include their first choice, some people choose an option that is obviously false through protest. Clear evidence of this is people watching Adam Sandler movies. Nobody would actually chose to do so, it’s just the movie they wanted to see wasn’t on, so they made a protest choice of such ridiculous bad taste everyone would know what was going on. You 13 people are horrible despicable liars who are kidding yourselves.

Six people were honest and admitted that their primary motivation was burning people off. You are lumped in with those above, because we all know that it’s hard to burn people off in person, so allegiance to 8a works well as you can track what other people are doing and lie on your scorecard so you are always ahead of them. You can also go back and downgrade the problems they have just done that you had already done, thereby making them look bad. Very clever.

Another person joins this group through selecting ‘getting mentioned on Powerband’. They may have thought they were being funny by selecting this. But it was only funny as a second ‘red herring’ category and that joke was mine and shame on you for piggy-backing on it. Actually, in this case you were telling the truth despite yourself, you wanted to admit your number-crunching ways but couldn’t bear to, so when you got a option which hinted at this but in a humorous way you selected it as if you were joking, because it allowed you to tell the truth. How are you going to get mentioned on Powerband? By climbing big numbers, think about it. When was the last time we reported someone climbing an ungraded slab? Never, that’s when. Shame on you.

Which brings us to the minority groups.  Now that we have identified you, we are better armed to marginalise you. 10 of you selected ’spreading small particles of skin and chalk as far and wide as possible’. By the way, I voted for this category. For years I’ve been campaigning for the more prodigious distribution of small skin and chalk particles in our natural places. It’s great to know there are more people like me out there. Brothers and sisters of the dust, I salute you!  Seriously though, what is wrong with you? You people are the detritus of the world.

Two of you claimed that your primary motivation was ‘avoiding being mentioned on Powerband’. Pull the other one. The only reason you saw the survey is because you check this site every five minutes to see if we have mentioned you yet. You are pathetic. Haven’t you figured out how this works yet? You pay me, I make up a story about you climbing something hard. It’s that simple. Want to get mentioned? SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

One person selected ‘doing first ascents’. Just the one. There are a number of people who are such competitive ego-maniacs that they can only bear to climb their own problems. Trying a problem somebody else has done already is somehow beneath them (actually because every time they fall off they feel crushed by the knowledge that somebody else already climbed it before them and this puts them in the foetal position for several hours). If nobody else has done it before they can fool themselves that the problem is really hard and that they are a pioneering hero. However, I happen to know that none of those people look at this site, for the obvious reason that it would shatter their delusions. So this one person must be someone who has put up lots of boulder problems in Castle Hill Basin that we have reported about. Either that or they are a liar.

Now to our final category. Twice as many people (two to be precise) selected ‘doing second ascents’. Given that you outnumber our first ascentionists two to one you have quite the competition going on. Luckily, there is a bit of a backlog of unrepeated problems; as we all know, every conceivable problem in the Basin has already been ascended by Joe Arts in his tramping boots. In any case, you are just trying to burn off your mate and get the second ascent before him or her, so you are basically in the burning-off category anyway.

That concludes our survey. As far as I can tell, you are all either completely deluded shameless number crunchers or else openly aggressive and competitive number crunchers. That’s not true, a fifth of you are freaks who take wicked pleasure from the pointlessness of spreading chalk and skin around the universe (presumably if you had spacecraft you would travel wider than you do at present). Hopefully through seeing these results we now all understand each other a little better.

Stay tuned for our next survey, where we will ask ‘Who is the second most-annoying climbing media personality?’ we all know who is top of the heap in that regard. Thanks for voting.Ω

Ω Disappointed with his haul from two weeks ago, Powerband franchise owner John Palmer returned to Flock on Saturday with one thing in mind: going full-retard on Acapulco. This impressive and much-photographed line has repelled all-comers since Derek’s first ascent. Despite derision from Pete the Radness, suggesting it can’t possibly be harder than V10 because it’s  not steep enough, this problem is long and continuous and requires expert application on every move right up to the committing last.

An eager arrival at Flock with cloudy and crisp conditions quickly turned to dismay as James, JP and Gomez found many of the boulders to still be damp from overnight rain. Concerns about moistness in the scoop at the top of Acapulco were aired and a thoroughly distracting warm-up commenced. This involved JP persisting for an ascent of an unknown nipple-scraper which was downgraded from V10 project to V6 when he finally did it. JP then set his eyes on Dr. Manhattan, grabbing a quick ascent of this powerful and aesthetic pivot problem. This problem really is a typical Castle Hill classic due to the atypical nature of its crux.

We then wandered over to Acapulco ‘just in case it’s dry’. It was. Pads came drifting in from all directions and suddenly there was a psyched group of possible ascentionists and more foam than a furniture factory. JP did it first go and the wild celebrations were reminiscent of other V11 ascents such as Wiggy Woods’ cowboy whooping on the top of Hume Roof. It was JP’s first V11 in New Zealand (i.e. first proper V11) so we didn’t mind a bit of yelling. Nice one!

Nobody else was having much luck so the pads scattered to all corners. James and JP grabbed repeats of T-Roy’s slick-trick Bawse!!! in good style (e.g. the blazing hot sun). We then flailed away on a number of tricky problems before JP topped off his day with an ascent of the slopey thing left of the Three Hueco problem. I’m pretty sure this hadn’t been done yet. JP accepted the toe-hook offer declined by Buff Dan last week, and sent it packing with ease (apart from the neck cramps on the final rockover). He called it Leverage and graded it V7 just to top off James’s day.

Also, just a few weeks after bagging his first V8s Andy Strang climbed Lost For Words V9 in the blazing sun. Good effort! Imagine what he might achieve in the cold… Ω

People are always a bit slow to figure this out, yesterday we saw Andy and Etienne attempt to warm-up on Lost For Words at about eleven-thirty and in the blazing hot sun! Rach the Muss continued her siege of Grooverider in equally spicy conditions but to no avail. Gomez, despite his immense intelligence, was also found trying Julian’s Arete in the sun. At least he was smart enough to select a problem a few grades easier! His conservative approach was rewarded with a successful ascent of this tall and intricate problem which, according to his 8a scorecard, he thinks is one of the best V6s in the whole Basin. What would he know? Clearly he is making some kind of pretence that he has climbed enough V6’s in the Basin to make such broad sweeping statements, which is a very dubious proposition.

Meanwhile, in the shade, things were really happening. James got on a rope and cleaned the line to the right of Acapulco, which is scary and impressive enough to have been given the scary and impressive title of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Project. Yikes! It sports hard climbing well above the finishing height of the already-too-scary-for-most Acapulco and then eases off but continues to a height of about twenty metres. I’m not sure about conquest, as even if war and famine don’t stop you, trying this problem without a rope could well lead to a long ride on the pale horse known as Death. My suggestion is to blue-tack hangers to the rock and clip them.

They moved on to a shady hand-speed campus project semi-contemporaneously unearthed by Gomez. Nobody was quite twitchy enough for this problem, though I suspect Derek would have done it first go if he were around. ZacAtak™, Tricker that he is, flashed the first ascent of a variant to this problem via some slopey campusing and some Pete the Fractured Radness Kocksmere™ technique. James and Andy flashed the second and third ascents. Gomez required a bit more patience, eventually realising that campusing all the way to the good hold rather than doing a mini-campus to a bad hold was the optimal S.M.R.T.™ strategy*.

ZacAtak™ and James then went looking for some geckos, in order to steal their skin and perhaps succeed on the hand speed campus project. While looking for geckos, they got distracted by a dyno project that they couldn’t resist brushing, despite it being in the blazing sun. The fingery launch led suggestively to a generous angled edge way up and right. James ‘The Future’ Morris was the man for the task and it all looked on until James realised that his hand blowing off the hold in the midst of the wild and fully horizontal grab swing would cause him to sail clean over his spotter’s heads, off the ledge and about four metres down the subsequent hole. Hmmmm…. Undeterred, James sent anyway, making the first and only ascent of Kamikaze (V8). Staunch effort. I suggested he call it Real Men Don’t Eat Salad.

In other shady areas Buff ‘Dan’ Mackay continued his strong form with an ascent of Captain Sassypants, which he described as ‘the best V8 at Flock’. This understated praise deserves expanding upon, the subtext being that everything at Flock is basically either hard or soft V8, making Captain Sassypants pretty much the best problem. Apparently Andy and Etienne both got close too. Nice work Dan!

The day ended with Dan and ZacAtak™ dancing their way up the tremendous Three Hueco problem while Rach made the first ascent of some lovely face via a nasty match, cross-through, and then match-some-other-nonsense sequence. In the meantime Gomez rapped down Acapulco to apply sunscreen to the final hold of this problem, stopping it from getting sunburned and thus making sure it is in top condition for JP’s next attempt. Ω

*S.M.R.T.™ is the trademarked climbing ‘technique’ invented by Gomez Garcia Gonzalez for the purpose of helping heffalumps go ‘up’. The acronym stands for Super-Meat-axe Retard Technique. Tuition is available for a premium fee. Don’t just climb, climb S.M.R.T.™!